I love podcasts. Some of my favorite podcasts are advice shows hosted by celebrities and comedians. I like them because they are typically funny, and I realize that there are people out in the world more dysfunctional and neurotic than I am, so they make me feel better about myself!

I often wonder how many people that write in for advice and receive a reply "on-air" actually act on it. There must be a study out there researching this. I spent 45 whole seconds trying to find one and couldn't, but I did find a mention of research done on giving and receiving advice that said this,

"Research using reactance theory informs us that whenever a person tells us what to do and how to do it, we respond with defensive defiance because we want to maximize our personal freedom and decision-making."

But how many times a day do you tell someone what to do and how to do it? How many times do you answer a question without asking a question? Especially if you are around kids all day. After all, giving directions and facilitating the completion of said directions are built into most of our job descriptions—teacher or not. We've got things to do, places to go, we do not always have time to gather more info. Especially when we are confident of the answer.

In the book, When You Wonder, You're Learning, the authors recount a story Mr. Rogers shared of his childhood. Little four-year-old Freddy asked his mother if they could get married. The interaction with his mother was foundational to his understanding of how people can, or cannot, listen, learn, and then respond in a way that preserves dignity, creates psychological safety, and then instructs with compassion. And as we know, those interactions are much more likely to develop new understandings and change behavior.

Freddy R's mother didn't mock him or dismiss him. She listened to him (most likely deeply suppressing her fear that she was raising Oedipus 😱) and kindly and calmly explained that she was already married to his daddy. She went on to explain, in four-year-old vocabulary, the love they all had and what marriage is and what parenting is, and someday he would have both. His "marriage proposal" wasn't creepy; it was his way to express how he felt about the person he loved most in the world and that he never wanted that to go away.

I wondered how I would have reacted in that scenario. How many times do I dismiss, demean, or react in a counter-productive way with my family, friends, or at work? I think a lot. I think many of us do.

Granted, we don't probably have to respond to marriage proposals from pre-schoolers. Still, perhaps kids are not paying attention in class, fighting with each other, or arguing with us about something seemingly stupid. Co-workers aren't "pulling their weight," making decisions that negatively impact our productivity, or arguing with us about something seemingly stupid.

These are all opportunities to listen, learn, and respond in a way that preserves dignity, creates psychological safety, and then instructs with compassion. Even if the response has to be unpleasant and not what the other person is hoping to hear.

So how do we get better at that?

Practice.

There's this thing called The Simple Interactions Tool. It is a visual representation highlighting four dimensions of developmental interactions: Connection, Reciprocity, Inclusion, and Opportunity to Grow. It's meant to help the user reflect on how they interact with others. Although developed to support adults with interactions with young children, it turns out that using it as a reflective exercise can strengthen interactions with anyone. You can learn more and download it here.

The authors of When You Wonder, You're Learning encourage us to video record ourselves (or have someone else do it) interacting with others (especially kids) and then reflect on how we facilitate those interactions using the visual models of the tool. They state, "Watch yourself and notice which moments are special, or instructive, or give you pause. Ask yourself how you might practice the simple interactions that will help you be more deliberate and conscious of contributing to loving moments."

I love that. After all, it's pretty much all we are about.

Have a wonderful week.

Leadership and Learning